Finding Clarity in the Rough
June 2020
COVID has changed us forever and interrupted our lives. Uncertainty is something we live with now. However, some of these changes brings us more strength.
I returned from Mexico in March when everything was shut down in Portland. So many things were cancelled including an abstract painting exhibition in NY. In addition, I was also dealing with breast cancer. My surgery date was on the verge of being cancelled and I wasn’t sure when or if it was going to happen. Plus all of the medical bills were piling up. My family and I decided it was safer for me if they didn’t fly in due to the Virus. Knowing I couldn’t depend on any physical help after my surgery was debilitating. Waiting to find out when and if I was going to have a surgery was the most challenging. I was basically a mess. All of the sudden I couldn’t even hug anyone. I was hardly functioning. Finally, I got a slot in the schedule in the end of May for the second of three surgeries. It really wasn’t until then that some of my anxiety lessened and I had time for reflection. I started to refine the above painting which was inspired by a snorkeling trip in Mexico.
Snorkeling in Mexico
I was trying to find inner peace while recovering from my first breast cancer surgery in January. Because I was to teach a painting workshop in Mexico, which was ultimately cancelled, I decided to go early for a yoga retreat in mid March. It was in the jungle south of Puerto Vallarta with 2 yoga classes every day and an all vegan diet. It also included a day of snorkeling which was the original inspiration for this piece above. Moving up and down in the waves and the startling moments of fish appearing very close to me or right under me gave me a sense of uncertainty and fear. After swimming under a cove in the darkness and coming out the other side in the light, a school of small fish swam right under me, waving in the water. I felt like they were not afraid of me, in fact they maybe found me as a shelter and they were moving with me. I felt like they trusted me and I protected them. All of the sudden I felt peace with this moment of uncertainty. There was no more fear, rather unity with nature.
Yoga - Finding Clarity
After a month back in Portland, I was mentally and physically weak. I hadn’t done a single yoga class, nor any exercise. Knowing I couldn’t have any physical help after my surgery, I knew a priority was to gain my strength before this surgery. The month of May, I signed up for three weekly Iyengar yoga zoom classes from my local studio, Jewel Yoga. The topic for the term in one of the classes was Courage. This class really spoke to me. Our teacher gave us assignments to write down what we did that was courageous each day. I realized the only thing I was trying to do was make it through the day. If I did that, all was good. But I needed to find my own inner peace with everything. I hadn’t painted since before my first surgery in January. So, I challenged myself to go into my studio everyday and paint. This took courage. Personally, I didn’t know if I had the strength for it. However, I was able to focus on this painting and realized how similar the unknowns of snorkeling were to the unknowns of COVID. There was such an uncertainty to say the least. But I was able to find comfort in it. I finished this painting the day before my surgery in May, in which went to a top collector in Texas. I am grateful to my yoga teachers for helping me find the strength.